Posted by: k | January 27, 2010


At the moment I’m feeling like I’m not in control of things. Since my last job wrapped up in November, my weight’s jumped up 5kg, I’m moody and down all the time, and I just feel off. I don’t feel myself. I admit that I’m having trouble with my current job. It’s taken up until last week to even get some training – 9 weeks in – and I’m not feeling comfortable. I don’t fit in.

I’m starting to doubt myself and whether I can turn this around. The job situation I’m going to have to live with for now, the bills need to be paid, and I can choose not to stay on if I’m asked to come time for the contract to be renewed. That’s a bonus about being on a contract, I guess. There are lots of downsides too, like not having job security or leave entitlements. Or feeling like you belong somewhere. I miss my friends. I miss being able to work autonomously without having to constantly stop and ask questions.

As for the weight, well, food is my drug of choice. I’m using it to comfort myself, as always. Right now, when I make an effort to eat better, I purposely sabotage it. I don’t even pretend that I’m going to stick to plan. Like today – I had no reason to go out at lunchtime. I even made myself a nice salad. But no, I went out for nothing in particular and then decided to get something to eat as well.

January hasn’t been good to me. Actually, that’s a lie. I haven’t been good to myself.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m going to make the best of it. I need to do it. I can’t keep on like this forever.


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