Posted by: k | November 10, 2008

Fingers and Necks Crossed

I bought this today:

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I’m not really a necklace sort of girl; they tend to irritate me, and considering just about every other part of me is dripping in jewelery – fingers, wrists, ears, nose, lip and toes – I figured throwing a necklace in with all that would be overkill.
(I hear you thinking, ‘all of that without a necklace isn’t overkill?!’)

When my Nan passed away last year, I thought about buying a cross. She was a practising Catholic who never missed mass, and when my Poppy passed away, it was the church she turned to to get her through. I even saw a nice silver cross after she passed with amythests in it, her birthstone and also her favourite colour. I’m not sure why I didn’t get it at the time.

Since Saturday, I’ve had the tremendous feeling that now was the time to purchase one, and wear it, for my Poppy, my Nan, and now my Uncle. I hope it brings me a little bit of the serenity I’m looking for in these very trying times.

Matt turned to me last night and said, “I thought you’d be worse than you are at the moment.”
I said, “I’m barely hanging in there, the only thing that’s stopping me is keeping an eye on Mum and being strong for her.”

His response?

“Funny that, she just told me the same thing, about staying strong for you.”

I’ve been in emotional limbo for awhile now, and so far I think I’ve done a decent enough job of covering it that most people don’t suspect anything. Now, I’m right on the edge, and I feel as if I could decend into a screaming, blubbering, useless mess at any moment. It sounds like it would be quite a relief, to be honest, to just let go and be completely incapable of looking after myself or making any decisions, and having someone else look after me.

Cross your fingers for me and hope that the worst of this is almost over, okay?

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Responses

  1. I’m thinking of you, lovey. *big hugs from across the pond*

  2. I hope you get through all this too. Support groups, even when there’s huge distance between you, can be pretty darn supportive.

    I don’t think anyone would hold it against you if you DID let yourself temporarily shut down.


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