Posted by: k | September 3, 2008

Off the wagon.

My fat is laughing at me. To the point that if fat cells could wet themselves laughing, I’m sure mine would be. Because they’re laughing. At me. And rolling around in their stubborn stupor.

I don’t know what happened. I was doing so well…
I was gymming 5 days a week, walking after work, eating well without recording every bite… 6kg down. Thisclose to my next goal.

And then I fell off the wagon. Not completely. I got my foot caught on the way out see, which resulted in my foot getting caught, leaving me hanging out head first and hitting every bump in the road, along with the following symptoms:

– Gain of 2kg.
– Week-long gym absence and avoidance of the after work walking group.
– Inability to refrain from yawning for longer than 30 seconds.
– Total loss of motivation.
– Self-loathing.

I came clean tonight and told my trainer. She was shocked, but also a bit disappointed. At our last session she said that she could see a change in me, and how my thinking and ways of doing things had changed. She also said the worst thing I can do is beat myself up about it, and to acknowledge the slip up and keep going.

Of course, it doesn’t look like it’s going to be that easy. I had slowly started feeling positive about myself (which hasn’t happened since I was, oh, about 15), and was actually looking forward to making a change and shedding this rather pudgy shield I seem to have made for myself. Now, I’ve gone right back to the mentality I’ve had for years: “I’m just not worth it.”

I was doing so well until a couple of weeks ago, because I had just decided that I am just too damn stubborn to fail at this again – and this is costing me a lot of money, $30 a week on top of my $10 membership fee – and gee, I’m getting married soon and I really don’t want to be the Goodyear Blimp dressed in white and waddling down the aisle towards the beanpole man of my dreams.

I need motivation. The motivation I did have was the wedding next year, but now we’ve postponed it, it looks like I need to find something else to work towards.

Where’s my stubborn streak gone?


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