Posted by: k | December 16, 2007

Birthday blues

Well, in two days, it’s my birthday.

I’m not overly excited about it… which is a first. I’ve always been counting down the days, making sure everyone around me knows it’s coming, and dropping hints about what I want gift-wise.

This year, I really don’t give a shit. Is that sad?

I’m still very upset about losing my Nan, of course… she only passed away in late October. This is the first year ever that I won’t get a phone call, or birthday and Christmas cards in the mail from “Welsh Gran” – always accompanied with a note and some money to “buy a little something special”. Although I know that she’s gone, to a point it’s only starting to sink in now, now that my birthday is only a couple of days away, and Christmas 7 days after that. Part of me has been hanging out for those cards to arrive, even though I know they’re not coming.

Yesterday, I was watching Channel V, and they were playing Avril Lavigne songs. They played “When You’re Gone”, and I had to get up and leave the room, because I was about to burst into tears. I played my new James Blunt CD, and tried to sing along to “Carry You Home”, but I really did burst into tears.
(The chorus of that song goes: “Strong as you were, tender you go, I’m watching you breathing for the last time… A song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I’ll carry you home…”)
It’s a beautiful song, but it hurts to listen to it, at least for now.

Anyway. My birthday. That’s part of the reason I’m not that enthused about it.

To be honest, I’m a simple girl. I used to long for oodles and oodles of possessions, bright sparkly things, decorative things, mainly useless things… But I think losing both my grandparents over the past two years has made me snap out of it. I just want to be with my family.

Last night, the four of us (Matt and I, Mum and Dad) were going to go out for dinner for my birthday. Nothing too extravagant, just dinner and a couple of drinks. That was all I wanted for my birthday. I helped Mum with the grocery shopping, and as we were putting it all in the car, Mum realised that she probably wouldn’t be able to go to dinner without leaving herself short for the rest of the fortnight. So I told her not to worry about it… but I was secretly devastated.

I was shitty for the rest of the day, and Mum said I didn’t look very happy, and I’m pretty sure she knew why. It’s not her fault, it’s just the way life is. I was annoyed because we’ve had a crap year, and all I wanted was dinner with the four of us, and now that wasn’t working out either.

Matt and I still went out for dinner, and we had a lovely night, and I even had a couple of drinks (shock, horror!) before heading home again. Matt nearly ran into a bit of trouble with a concealed crab stick in his seafood basket (long story short, he’s allergic to crab), but all was good.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been thinking about what I’ve achieved in life so far. I’ve come up with the idea of making a list… 20 highlights in 20 years. There’s a few things I’ve got in mind to share, and a few more that I need to think about. I’m going to post that list on Tuesday. A trip down memory lane… and hopefully you’ll want to go for a walk with me.

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Responses

  1. That’s a great idea, 20 highlights. I’m up for that!

    I’m sorry you have the blues: you’ve gone through a lot of stuff this year, and you know what? Your birthday will still be awesome, because you’ll be with your family. That’s the most important part.

  2. Your 20 highlights list sounds great – you could make that into a meme! 🙂

    It’s your birthday tomorrow and I hope you do have a great day with your family. It’s tough when it’s the first one without a loved one – but you can get through it. Your Nan would want you to have a great day, I’m sure.

    Thanks for the lovely presents – I gave you a shout-out on my blog. And I ate one of the heart soap thingies. Yeah, I know. I was a tad tipsy. Tasted … soapy. 😛

    I hope you are feeling more positive! *hug*


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