Posted by: k | July 4, 2007

The old me… and the new me.

I forget what I was going to write about…No, wait… I remember.

A few years ago, I started a Blurty. Not this one, one under my old pseudonym, back when I thought calling myself crazy was cute. I started it while I was still at school, and last night, I re-read everything, for old time’s sake.

Geez, man, I had issues! Going on about school, and feeling invisible, and stuff about my ex when I was still with him. Old, old stuff. And as I was reading, I was thinking “who the hell is this person?!”
I used to think I had it all together, when really, I had absolutely no idea. It probably would have been easier to keep that username, delete all those entries, and start afresh there. But, I don’t know. When I decided to start blogging again, I felt like a new person. Refreshed. Horribly cliche, I know. So I thought I’d pick a more mature username, to reflect the person I’ve grown into, and go from there. I’m glad I did, because that old blog is like a time capsule. It’s mental. I was writing about stuff I don’t remember, and things that seemed like such a big deal then, but turned out to be nothing.

Yeah, I’m glad I grew up. Sometimes I still feel like a kid, like when I’m sick (ie now) and I want everyone to fawn all over me, and Christmas doesn’t quite have the same magic that it used to, but things change, you know? It’s hard to believe that in 5 and a half months, I’ll be 20. No more teens, thank heavens. Anything teen just seems so immature now. Maybe that’s got something to with preparing to marry a 26 year-old.

Wow, I’ve just gotten all nostalgic all of a sudden. You know, I don’t really regret anything. I could, though. I could say “oh, when such-and-such happened, I should have known better”. The thing is though, at the time, I didn’t know better. I can’t beat myself up over that. I know better now. I can say I regret things, and occasionally I might wish that I did something different, but I really don’t. All the decisions I’ve made up until now have led me up to this point. And this point in my life is pretty damn good. So no, I can’t regret that tumultous high-school relationship, or being naive enough to assume I could make anyone fall for me, if I tried hard enough. I needed to be told no, and I needed to be tested, so that I could appreciate now, what I wanted then. I honestly don’t know what I actually wanted then. I think I just wanted a boy to hold me. I didn’t need it, and once I had it, I wasn’t overly keen on it, but I wanted it all the same. And it took a year and a bit after school finished for me to realise I was ready for something like that. I was shit-scared, I will admit that, but I was ready. And it’s been the best 16 months of my life.

I considered deleting that journal, so that girl could stop screaming, and so she knows that everything works out okay. But, she knows she’ll be okay. She’s still with me, in a watered down capacity. I know this, because she’s the one that initiates tickle-fights with Matt, and pulls out the pouty lip when she doesn’t get her way. She’s the silly part of me… and I like that. I was going to say carefree, but I think I’m more carefree now than I’ve ever been.

I’m keeping that journal, because reading it snapped me out of the doldrums I’ve been in for a little while. After reading that, things now seem a hell of a lot better. I guess I kinda gave myself therapy? Is that possible?


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