Posted by: k | November 14, 2006

Angry

Somewhere along the line, I went from being a carefree, generally happy soul to being a truly angry person.
I was angry in my old job, because I was bored and it was the same thing over and over. I was angry because I was on crap hours, and I couldn't spend time with my family on the weekend, or eat dinner with them during the week. I was angry because of the way people treated me there, both customers and staff, and I'm angry because I stayed there and put up with it for so long. I was angry because I was always the one that had to work all the public holidays, all the Christmas Eve's, Boxing Days and New Year's Days, and even though I worked my arse off, I've got nothing to show for it. I'm angry because I bottled everything up and it got to the point where I was on the verge of a breakdown and my family was worried sick. I'm angry because while this was going on, people at said work didn't notice, or if they did, they chose to ignore it.
I was angry because it took me so long to get my drivers licence, mainly from laziness, and then I was angry when I failed the first test because of the car I was driving (bloody power steering!). I'm angry now I'm driving, when stupid BASTARDS who pay road tax think they own it, and make up whatever rules they please. I'm angry at trucks who sit so far up my arse at the traffic lights all I can see is white in my rearview mirror, and I'm angry at buses that cut in wherever they can. And I'm angry that my car cost me $600 to get fixed when my rego was due 2 weeks later. I am not angry about the fact, however, that my car can only have a quarter of a tank of petrol and it only takes $15 to fill it to overflowing.
I am angry at the fact that because it takes a lot to get my back up, people think they can throw all sorts of shit at me and I'll put up with it. Just because I can be a girl of few words (yes, shut up) doesn't mean I don't know how to stand up for myself. When I speak, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I have a sarcastic, warped and sometimes sick sense of humour, and I get angry when people think I'm being serious, and take offence to something I say in jest.
I'm angry because I worked so hard at the start of the year, and I lost 10kgs.. (20 pounds) in about 8 weeks, and I've put every last ounce back on in double the amount of time it took me to lose it. I'm angry at myself because I figured “oh well” and didn't do anything to stop it from getting worse. I'm angry because now it's messing with my health… I'm bloody angry that I had to take my blood pressure twice a day for a week, and that I had to go and have an exercise stress test because I've been having chest pains. I'm angry at myself for being so lazy, and taking the easy way out and eating junk instead of working towards being healthier. I'm angry because I've got a great life, and if I lose my health, I've got nothing. And I'm well on the way to losing my health at the moment.
Mainly, I'm angry at myself. I'm angry because I constantly strive for perfection. I'm angry because even though I have a wonderful family, a loving and caring boyfriend, a fantastic new job in which I'm constantly learning, and a set of wheels to get me from A to B, more often than not, I feel like a failure.

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